It’s time to dive into a topic that has been on my mind a lot recently. No matter if you’re single, dating, or married, this is likely something that you have dealt with. It’s The List. That ever-so-innocent list of traits that you hope to find in a husband or wife. But is this list as innocent as we first perceive? Or is there something much deeper and potentially damaging lying under the surface? |
| Setting expectations for others is a great way to make sure we experience pain and disappointment. |
From that perspective, I completely agree with him. It is so easy to be drawn to what the world says is good, compromise your standards, and end up in an unhealthy relationship. It happens to the vast majority of Christians. At some point, we all make mistakes, value the wrong things, and end up very hurt and very broken. Certainly that is not what God wants for us and having a list that keeps you grounded can help to avoid some of the unnecessary heartache.
However, we need to be careful. I, too, have made a list. I did it in college. At the time, I was very proud of this list. I began with the things I thought to be essential and then had some fun and included things that I thought would be great perks. I thought I knew what I wanted and what would be best for me and confidently held out for such a person. But there’s a problem with this entire strategy. Making a list of qualities YOU want in a spouse can only come from a very self-centered mindset.
I have been extremely fortunate to spend a lot of time with an amazing mentor over the past 9 months. He has incredible wisdom and insight and has helped to hold up a mirror to my life and expose me for what I am: selfish. That list that I made implied that I wanted to get certain things from a marriage. It meant that I wanted my future marriage to benefit me. It also meant that I already had established a set of standards and expectations for a person I had not yet met. That is not how healthy relationships work.
Healthy relationships are centered on God. Our entire sense of security and worth should be derived from Him and our very real, intimate walk with Him. To place any demands or expectations on a person we are dating or married to is unfair to that person and guarantees that we will both experience pain and disappointment. In order to avoid this, we need to clearly understand the difference between needs and wants as well as goals and desires.
Certainly there are things that should be essentials in a relationship, things we need. The Bible tells us to be equally yoked. We should not date or marry someone who does not share our core beliefs (note that I said core, this does not involve thing like petty denominational disagreements or arguments over which style of communion is best). Core beliefs are a need. A want is something that we would like to have, but is not a requirement. When we begin to clutter what should be the very short list of needs for a potential spouse with wants, we stop leaving room for God to move. The things that we want are not necessarily things that are good for us. Remember, God is our creator and knows what we need much more than we do. He knows who will help us grow and become who He wants us to be.
In the same way, a goal is something that we are able to make happen on our own. A goal will determine how we behave and should not be applied to anyone but ourselves. A desire is a legitimate yearning for something that we cannot make happen on our own. Only God can take care of desires. If only God can make our desires happen, it would follow that our only course of action toward our desires is prayer. These two very simple definitions have a profound impact on relationships. When we confuse our goals with our desires, everything gets messy. If I have a desire to grow deeper spiritually with a person I am dating, I need to make my goal something that I can control. I cannot make a girl have a deeper relationship with God, but I CAN take steps to give us the chance to have that happen. My goal could be for me to present an opportunity to pray together every day. I am able to control the outcome of this goal with nobody else’s help or assistance and this goal is then the only thing I can be responsible for. What about the rest of my desire? All I can do about that is pray that God would bring her closer to Him and that our relationship together would help us grow.
Now go back and look at Paige’s list. As you progress down it, you’ll notice that after the first goal many of them tend to be self-centered. In fact, 11 of the 15 goals use the word “me.” Only 4 of the goals are actually about the character of her future husband, the rest pertain to how she wants her husband to make her feel. This suggests a very deep desire to feel fulfillment, security, and love from a relationship. She is hoping to find in a husband what she is supposed to find in God. Instead of getting those things from God so she is at a place where she can serve her future husband, she is more focused on what he can do for her.
This is the danger of the list. When we approach relationships from a selfish mentality, we lose sight of the true goal of a relationship -- to serve and minister to the other person selflessly. Marriage requires that we put the other person’s needs ahead of our own. It is not about getting, but giving. Rather than focusing on who you want your spouse to be, flip the list around on yourself and focus on becoming the kind of person worth marrying. Learn to serve. Learn to love. Learn to give generously. Learn to be selfless. I fully support the creation of a list, but be careful that it only includes things that you know to be essential and leave room for God to amaze with with who He provides for the rest.
Much of my time with my mentor has been spent diving into a book called The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb. Before you make any judgments or say, “But I’m single, I don’t want to read a book about marriage,” please know that this book is just as much about any interaction you have with another person as it is about marriage (well, except the chapter about Body Oneness...). I highly recommend this book for anyone who would like to learn to view relationships from a more ministry-minded than manipulative mindset.
However, we need to be careful. I, too, have made a list. I did it in college. At the time, I was very proud of this list. I began with the things I thought to be essential and then had some fun and included things that I thought would be great perks. I thought I knew what I wanted and what would be best for me and confidently held out for such a person. But there’s a problem with this entire strategy. Making a list of qualities YOU want in a spouse can only come from a very self-centered mindset.
I have been extremely fortunate to spend a lot of time with an amazing mentor over the past 9 months. He has incredible wisdom and insight and has helped to hold up a mirror to my life and expose me for what I am: selfish. That list that I made implied that I wanted to get certain things from a marriage. It meant that I wanted my future marriage to benefit me. It also meant that I already had established a set of standards and expectations for a person I had not yet met. That is not how healthy relationships work.
Healthy relationships are centered on God. Our entire sense of security and worth should be derived from Him and our very real, intimate walk with Him. To place any demands or expectations on a person we are dating or married to is unfair to that person and guarantees that we will both experience pain and disappointment. In order to avoid this, we need to clearly understand the difference between needs and wants as well as goals and desires.
Certainly there are things that should be essentials in a relationship, things we need. The Bible tells us to be equally yoked. We should not date or marry someone who does not share our core beliefs (note that I said core, this does not involve thing like petty denominational disagreements or arguments over which style of communion is best). Core beliefs are a need. A want is something that we would like to have, but is not a requirement. When we begin to clutter what should be the very short list of needs for a potential spouse with wants, we stop leaving room for God to move. The things that we want are not necessarily things that are good for us. Remember, God is our creator and knows what we need much more than we do. He knows who will help us grow and become who He wants us to be.
In the same way, a goal is something that we are able to make happen on our own. A goal will determine how we behave and should not be applied to anyone but ourselves. A desire is a legitimate yearning for something that we cannot make happen on our own. Only God can take care of desires. If only God can make our desires happen, it would follow that our only course of action toward our desires is prayer. These two very simple definitions have a profound impact on relationships. When we confuse our goals with our desires, everything gets messy. If I have a desire to grow deeper spiritually with a person I am dating, I need to make my goal something that I can control. I cannot make a girl have a deeper relationship with God, but I CAN take steps to give us the chance to have that happen. My goal could be for me to present an opportunity to pray together every day. I am able to control the outcome of this goal with nobody else’s help or assistance and this goal is then the only thing I can be responsible for. What about the rest of my desire? All I can do about that is pray that God would bring her closer to Him and that our relationship together would help us grow.
Now go back and look at Paige’s list. As you progress down it, you’ll notice that after the first goal many of them tend to be self-centered. In fact, 11 of the 15 goals use the word “me.” Only 4 of the goals are actually about the character of her future husband, the rest pertain to how she wants her husband to make her feel. This suggests a very deep desire to feel fulfillment, security, and love from a relationship. She is hoping to find in a husband what she is supposed to find in God. Instead of getting those things from God so she is at a place where she can serve her future husband, she is more focused on what he can do for her.
This is the danger of the list. When we approach relationships from a selfish mentality, we lose sight of the true goal of a relationship -- to serve and minister to the other person selflessly. Marriage requires that we put the other person’s needs ahead of our own. It is not about getting, but giving. Rather than focusing on who you want your spouse to be, flip the list around on yourself and focus on becoming the kind of person worth marrying. Learn to serve. Learn to love. Learn to give generously. Learn to be selfless. I fully support the creation of a list, but be careful that it only includes things that you know to be essential and leave room for God to amaze with with who He provides for the rest.
Much of my time with my mentor has been spent diving into a book called The Marriage Builder by Larry Crabb. Before you make any judgments or say, “But I’m single, I don’t want to read a book about marriage,” please know that this book is just as much about any interaction you have with another person as it is about marriage (well, except the chapter about Body Oneness...). I highly recommend this book for anyone who would like to learn to view relationships from a more ministry-minded than manipulative mindset.
2 comments:
Hey Dan! We haven't talked in a long while, but I really enjoy your blog.
Great thoughts on relationships. In a week or two I'll be celebrating 5 years of marriage and I can say that nothing else in life will show you your own selfishness like marriage. And nothing else I have experienced has challenged my Christ-likeness as much.
Great thoughts. :-)
Thanks, Lindsy! I'm struggling through a lot of it, but I'm learning. Has it been 5 years already for you? Congrats!
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